One of the foundational concepts of the Gottman's Relationship research has been around what they call Love Maps. Love maps are the concepts of your partner that you know as a matter of fact. An example is that I know that my wife does not like mushrooms on anything, so I would use this knowledge effectively in my relationship with her if I make sure to take mushrooms out of the pizzas, pastas, salads, and hamburgers we order.
Having a concept of who your partner is that includes both a high volume but also high acuity of knowledge is the win, according to the Gottmans.
Love maps are considered foundational because with this knowledge you can act in light of your partner, love the depths and details of who your partner is beyond the initial features that drew you to them. Using this knowledge can help you in all parts of life including conflict, sex and the euphoric state of love.
This month, I will be breaking down the other parts of relationships in areas of conflict, sex, and love. Each area is interdependent on one another and the challenge is to integrate all parts of these topics into one seamless understanding of yourself and your partner.
Each week will rely on the details of the previous week, namely that you know your partner. Last year, I wrote on this topic in another way and feel free to check it out HERE. PS: there is a free downloadable that you can use to increase your understanding and knowledge of your partner. But for starters here are 10 essential questions you need to have correct answers for:
What is your partner’s favorite/least favorite childhood memory?
What is your partner’s favorite/least favorite activity?
Who is your partner’s favorite/least favorite relative?
Who is your partner’s best friend(s) right now?
What are your partner’s fears about right now?
What are your partner’s anxieties about right now?
What are your partner’s lifelong hopes/dreams?
Does your partner love their work? If yes, why? If no, why not?
What is your partner’s favorite/least favorite food (breakfast, lunch, and dinner + snacks too)?
Does your partner have any health concerns (major and minor)? If so, what are they and what do you need to do for them in the event of an emergency?
Here’s the most important part of this concept: these answers are not stagnant; these questions will have different answers from season to season. Just because the answers change does not mean you shouldn’t need to know them. In fact, I may argue that you need to be so in tune that you know when the answers change and why they changed.
The bigger point is that you learn to love and know the details about your partner in every season. A lot of relationships fall apart when one person does not know or love the current person; the relationship breaks down when the current person is not the loved or known person.
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