Navigating conflict is one of the bigger problems that happen within any relationship. Intimate or relational relationships both have conflict. Sometimes we are deceived into thinking that conflict is bad for relationships, which is a half-truth; conflict, when it consumes a relationship, can become toxic but conflict can also bring us closer to our friends, family and loved ones.
Conflict can be difficult no matter what context it is in, but here are a few principles that can reduce the intensity and propel you (and your conflicted relationship) to connection and resolution.
DURING the fight: Take breaks (for at least 20 minutes at a time). Try stopping conflict conversation before it explodes into hurtful words, tears and/or compounded problems. It can take at minimum 20-30 minutes of self-soothing in order to decompress from heated moments within a conflict. Note: this is not after the conflict is "resolved" this is during the conflict, while you have not reached a resolution. Tiebreaker: When both of you take a break, the person who is last ready from their break comes to the other person to resume the conversation.
DURING the fight: Focus on one problem (at a time). Do not include parallel experiences, only talk about one problem at a time. Usually, when you solve one problem, you can take the solution in principle and apply it to other problems in the relationship with some success.
DURING the fight: Take ownership (of only what’s yours). It is easy to blame and examine the other person’s fault in the conflict. Take time to own your faults first and when both people do this, then the things that you were probably going to point out amid conflict will likely be acknowledged.
AFTER the fight: Talk about the fight (within 24 hours of meeting the resolution). The research is clear that without processing the fight, the relationship will suffer. In other words, without honestly acknowledging the damage that the fight may have caused, the relationship will be wounded. Processing the fight can include looking at the fight from the other person’s perspective, talking about ways that you intentionally made the fight worse, discussing what words or phrases hurt you the most, what you noticed in the relationship during the fight.
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