Many couples don’t come to therapy because of one big fight. They come because conversations feel tense, defensive, or emotionally draining – and nothing they try seems to change that.

The Gottman Four Horsemen help explain why communication can break down even in otherwise committed, caring relationships. Developed through decades of research, this framework identifies four specific patterns that commonly show up when couples feel stressed, disconnected, or overwhelmed.

Once these patterns are named, they lose much of their power. Learning to recognize the Four Horsemen in your relationship is often the first step toward repairing connection and fixing communication using Gottman tools that are designed for real-world relationships.

What Are the Gottman Four Horsemen?

The Gottman Four Horsemen are four communication patterns that predict long-term relationship distress when they become habitual. In Four Horsemen relationships, these patterns often show up subtly at first and intensify over time.

The four horsemen are:

Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling

It’s also worth noting that these patterns are universal. Even in strong, satisfying relationships, conflict can pull any of us into them. And unlike something like love languages, this isn’t a way of sorting people into communication styles — it’s simply a way of naming behaviors so they can be understood and shifted.

Let’s break down what each one looks like – and how to replace it with something healthier.

1. Criticism: Attacking the Person, Not the Problem

Criticism goes beyond expressing a concern. Instead of focusing on a specific behavior, it targets your partner’s character.

What it sounds like:

“You always forget.”
“You never think about anyone but yourself.”

Criticism often comes from unmet needs, but it lands as blame – and it usually invites defensiveness rather than change.

The antidote: Gentle Start-Up
To fix communication using Gottman principles, start with how you feel and what you need. (“I” statements)

Try this instead:

“I felt overwhelmed when the dishes were left in the sink. Could we figure out a plan together?”
I feel angry when I ask you more than once, I need your help to get the dishes clean. Can you please help me get them clean?

2. Contempt: The Most Dangerous Horseman

Contempt includes sarcasm, eye-rolling, mocking, and speaking from a place of superiority. Research shows it’s the strongest predictor of relationship breakdown. (Gottman & Gottman, 2016)

What it sounds like:

“I shouldn’t have to explain this to you.”
“I guess I’m the only adult here.”
“How do you not get this?”

Contempt communicates disgust – and once it becomes part of a relationship’s tone, emotional safety erodes quickly.

The antidote: Talk from self without disrespecting your partner

Instead of speaking down to your partner or attacking their character, the goal is to describe your own feelings and needs from a place of equality. (“I” statements are very helpful here)

Contempt Example:

“You’re so lazy. You play video games all day like a little kid.”

Shifted with the antidote:

“I feel frustrated when the dishes aren’t done like we agreed. I’d like us to stick to our plan so we both have time to relax.”

3. Defensiveness: Protecting Yourself Instead of Listening

Defensiveness often shows up as denial, excuses, or counter-complaints. While it’s understandable, it blocks accountability and keeps conflicts stuck.

What it sounds like:

“That’s not my fault.”
“Well, you do the same thing.”

The antidote: Take Responsibility
Even partial responsibility can shift the entire conversation.

Try this:

“You’re right – I can see how that was frustrating. I’ll work on that.”

4. Stonewalling: Shutting Down to Cope

Stonewalling happens when someone becomes emotionally overwhelmed and disengages – going silent, leaving the room, or mentally checking out.

What it looks like:

Long silences
Avoiding eye contact
Physically leaving without explanation

Stonewalling isn’t about avoidance – it’s often about nervous system overload.

The antidote: Self-Soothing and Time-Outs
Learning to take structured breaks and return to the conversation calmly is key to repairing communication.

How the Four Horsemen Show Up Together

In many couples, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling don’t appear alone. One triggers another, creating a cycle that feels impossible to stop without tools and support.

A Straightforward Example

This is a simplified example, but it can be helpful for noticing how the Four Horsemen often show up together in real relationships.

One partner says, “You never help around the house unless I ask.” (criticism)

The other responds, “That’s not true. I do plenty – you just don’t notice.” (defensiveness)

The first partner replies, “Right. Because I’m the only one who is able to keep things together.” (contempt)

At that point, the second partner shuts down, stops responding, or walks away from the conversation. (stonewalling)

Even in this simple exchange, each response fuels the next. What might have started as a request for help turns into a cycle that leaves both partners feeling blamed, misunderstood, and disconnected.

This is where Gottman Method couples therapy can be especially helpful – because it focuses on skills that bring connection as opposed to blame, shutdown, resentment and avoidance..

Fixing Communication with Gottman Tools

When couples learn to:

Identify the Four Horsemen in real time
Replace them with proven antidotes
Understand each other’s emotional triggers

…communication becomes clearer, safer, and more productive – even during conflict.

You don’t need to eliminate disagreement to have a strong relationship. You need tools that help you stay connected while you disagree.

Ready to Improve Communication in Your Relationship?

If you’re noticing these communication patterns showing up in your relationship, you don’t have to figure out how to change them on your own. Gottman Method couples therapy focuses on building practical skills that help couples interrupt these cycles and create healthier ways of relating.

If you’d like to learn more about Gottman Method therapy, you can visit my Gottman Method couples therapy blog, where I share perspective on this approach alongside other forms of couples work. You can also explore the rest of my blog for additional relationship insights and resources.

If you’re ready to talk about your relationship and see whether working together feels like a good fit, you can schedule a free phone consultation to discuss next steps.

References

Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2016). Level one clinical training: Bridging the couple chasm. The Gottman Institute.

The content provided in this blog is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for personalized mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment, and does not create a therapist–client relationship between me and the reader.

I am a licensed therapist authorized to provide counseling services only in the states where I hold an active unrestricted license. Readers outside those states should understand that the insights shared here are general and not tailored to individual circumstances.

If you found this post helpful or want to explore these ideas further, I encourage you to reach out to a qualified local mental health provider for support and clarification specific to your situation. If you ever experience a crisis or thoughts of harm to yourself or others, seek emergency help right away by calling or texting 988.