The Gottman Method for Couples Therapy is a researched and proven way to assess, help, and strengthen your relationship. I practice the Gottman Method because it resonates with me deeply and I have had personal success with it in my personal relationship. In other words, I take my own medicine and I think it is the solution to help couples overcome conflict and past hurts in their relationship.
Other forms of therapy can also help couples. I am not saying that Gottman's research is the only way people get better. Other forms of therapy like Emotion Focused Couple's Therapy (EFT/EFCT), Bowen Family Systems Therapy as well as Narrative Couple's Therapy are all researched and effective theories that help couples look at their relationship in new ways. I am saying that these theories can help couples, but I believe that the Gottman Method can help with more ease, detail, and productive relationship construction for couples.
Each perspective has its strengths, weakness, and criticisms and I am not going to attempt to summarize the entirety of each approach, but I will attempt to focus on the concepts that drive each approach. I also want to disclose that I have formal training in the Gottman Method whereas I do not have formal training in these other methods.
Before we get into the content, take this as four different ways to look at problems. All have been proven to help and have strengths. The titles of these therapies could be distracting, so try to identify the process of each model as it would propose solutions to life’s problems and how to live the good life with your partner.
EMOTION FOCUSED COUPLES THERAPY
Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy (EFT/EFCT), is the study of Susan Johnson, who proposes that emotional closeness in the midst of all of life’s problems is the goal of relationships. EFT/EFCT proposes that couples focus on their communication patterns and how each person communicates with the other in light of past relationship (global and local) experiences, traumas, hurts, and pains. In EFT/EFCT therapy sessions, the focus is on the couple’s present experiences and the therapist’s role is to emphasize the couple’s individual and collective attachment and relationship cycle which includes emotions, behaviors, and hopes that are spoken and unspoken. EFT/EFCT is scientifically proven to help couples reduce their stress and communicate more effectively (note the detail here that couples most often come to couples counseling to communicate better). For me, the most impressive and attractive research that measures the effectiveness of distressed couples using EFT/EFCT is shown in stress and pain reduction experienced inside each partner’s brain. Long story short, before therapy, conflicted and critical couples experience pain in their brains. After EFT/EFCT, couples who were previously conflicted and critical have been shown to experience relief, security, and peace in their brains. This study has lots of interesting neural chemistry integrations, but the core of the experience in EFT/EFCT is that emotional closeness and attachment to your partner can help unlock patterns of behaving and relating for future relationship success. If you want to read more about EFT/EFCT’s brain scans, attachment, and pain research, you can CLICK THIS LINK. In EFT/EFCT, the couple knows that they have completed therapy when they feel relationally close during their conflicts and other intense situations the couple finds themselves in. Couples have completed therapy as they have learned to have a secure base or attachment in their partner, who facilitates safety and growth for each person as they navigate their shared life.
BOWEN FAMILY SYSTEMS
Bowen Family Systems Theory (BFST) proposes that couples need to differentiate from others in their system and relationships. Couples do this by examining their own family of origin (the family that you came from; this could be your biological family but is certainly the family or group of people you grew up with). Couples spend time exploring past dynamics, hurts, and conflicts within other relationships they had in their family growing up. Pressures from other parts of the lived experience of the individual (ex: society, religion, health factors, trauma/abuse, etc.) are all examined and appropriated to each person's account of how they grew up. In BFST, the focus on the family free (also known as a genogram) helps couples identify how the couple as individuals bring these trends to their current relationship and family system. BFST is a systemic perspective to couples’ relationships, so like EFT/EFCT, the focus is on the feedback loops that exist in the individual's life without shame or blame. The idea is that experiences are facilitated by other factors and will continue to be facilitated until the individual and/or couple identifies the cycles and chooses to change them for the better with the understanding of where the individual and the couple have been in their past(s). Problems are addressed through creating processes that the couple wishes were in place and creating these processes in light of past experiences. As therapy progresses, couples know that they have completed therapy when they have come to create new processes that endorse the life that they wish to create for their relationship and/or family. Looking at the cycles in place helps couples gain a greater sense of what has happened to them and how to move forward in light of what they have experienced.
NARRATIVE COUPLES THERAPY
If Narrative Couple’s Therapy (NCT) were an Enneagram Number, it would probably be an Enneagram Four. The reason I say this is that in NCT, the focus of counseling is reauthoring the pains and experiences that the couple has faced in their past. NCT advocates that we are part of stories and that these stories are being written (present-future tense), not that they have been written (past tense). Rejection of norms gives couples space to identify what story that they have been telling themselves in pain, conflict, triumph, and intimacy whereas there could be a stronger, safer, and structured narrative that could reframe problems into obstacles that the couple overcomes together. NCT focuses on the buildup to this point and helps couples reorient the couple to the problem with each other as resources and sources of support as the couple as a unit finds flourishing healing and connection. NCT also proposes that couples will find their "best selves" in the process of exploring their relationship's cohesive narrative. Differences in this theory from the previous two are that NCT focuses on the here and now, whereas the previous two focus on what has led up to this point in time. By keeping the focus on positive perspectives within the relationship, identifying teamwork as well as internal resources that can be utilized for the sake of relationship health, growth, and new possibilities.
THE GOTTMAN METHOD FOR COUPLES THERAPY
The Gottman Method for Couples Therapy (GMCT) is different than the other forms of therapy because it was first a research project by Dr. John Gottman before it was a therapy modality. Long story short, Dr. John Gottman wanted to find out why some relationships work while others end in divorce. It was not until his wife, Dr. Julie Gottman curated a therapy model based on successful couples, and the highest research practices including the gold standard, that Dr. John's research became a therapy theory. GMCT proposes that there are two givens to any successful relationship: trust and commitment. Without these, a relationship won't get off the ground. After trust and commitment are in place (or are re-established after trauma, affairs, hurts) the couple has seven tasks: to know one another's inner world, have a sense of genuine appreciation and fondness based on what you know of your partner, that each partner in light of appreciating one another's perspective would ask for more of the other's perspective in their life. After this, there would be a focus on solving situational problems through compromise and allowing for genuine dreams to be known and fostered amidst the most intense forms of conflict. After couples have a sense of friendship and conflict management skills, they would make one another's life dreams come true and be intentional with creating a culture within their relationship that is life-giving and purposeful. On top of all of this, there communication tools that will help couples avoid common pitfalls and tap into emotional closeness, and overcome the ways that they hurt one another. Couples know that they have completed therapy when their relationship is meaningful and valuable to them. After therapy is officially over, the relationship is reassessed to document progress as a result of therapy, and follow-up sessions are scheduled for 6, 12, 18, and 24 months after the conclusion of therapy.
THREE REASONS WHY I THINK THE GOTTMAN METHOD FOR COUPLES THERAPY WILL HELP YOUR RELATIONSHIP
GMCT has focused and intentional tools to help; the focus of therapy is not on communication loops but on giving you tangible do's and don'ts.
GMCT naturally creates emotional connection and closeness without forcing it; natural connection with your partner is an expectable outcome from GMCT.
GMCT helps couples bring the best parts of their relationship to focus while intentionally strengthening the weaker points for long-term stability; you don’t need to be in therapy to experience the benefits of therapy.
Too Long/Didn’t Read: Here are 3 other ways to look at a couple's problems and 3 reasons why I think that the Gottman Method can help your relationship.
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