When couples make the decision to begin exploring marriage counseling, it’s typically because they want things to feel different. Couples also want to get back to the good times they used to have before conflict, kids, stress or life got in the way. They want to stop having the same arguments, to feel seen and supported again, or to remember what it’s like to be on the same team. I’m a big fan of The Gottman Method because it focuses relationships on practical tools to boost friendship, manage conflicts and create a meaningful culture in the relationship.
Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman after decades of studying real couples in the Seattle Love Lab, the Gottman Method focuses on what actually helps relationships last – and what quietly pulls them apart. The result is a therapy model that gives couples tools they can use in everyday life to improve communication, manage conflict, and strengthen emotional connection.
What I appreciate most about it is that it’s not just theory. It’s grounded in research, but also deeply human. It gives couples a way to understand each other again – and to build something healthy, not just repair what’s broken.
The Foundation: The Sound Relationship House
The Gottmans use something called the Sound Relationship House Theory to describe what makes relationships strong. Imagine your relationship as a house – it needs a solid foundation and some maintenance along the way to keep it standing.
Each “level” of that house represents an important layer of connection:
Building Love Maps: Knowing what’s going on in your partner’s world – their stress, joys, dreams, and inner life. This often gets outdated and needs a refresh.
Sharing Fondness and Admiration: Noticing and expressing what you appreciate about each other. Struggling couples have difficulty remembering the best parts of their relationships and their partner.
Turning Toward Instead of Away: Responding to your partner’s bids for attention or affection, even in small moments. Couples who only respond to their partner 33% of the time were likely divorced at the 6 year follow up.
The Positive Perspective: Choosing to see your partner and relationship with rose-colored glasses instead of judgment. This has to do with how the relationship is going.
Managing Conflict: Learning how to handle disagreements gently and productively, since 69% of relationship problems can never be solved.
Making Life Dreams Come True: Supporting each other’s hopes and goals in life. Dissatisfied relationships don't share vulnerability and are often in survival mode.
Creating Shared Meaning: Building a sense of “us” — shared rituals, roles, goals and values. This is the shared culture in the relationship.
The “walls” that hold this all up are trust and commitment. When those are strong, everything else has room to grow.
Why the Gottman Method Feels Different
As mentioned, what I like about the Gottman Method is that it’s grounded in research, but feels practically applicable and deeply human. The Gottmans spent years watching real couples – how they talk, how they fight, how they repair – and then turned those observations into tools that actually help people without overcomplicating the process.
In sessions, that means we’re not guessing about what might work. We’re looking at patterns that have been studied and understood, and applying them in a way that fits your relationship. It’s not about “fixing” you – it’s about learning new ways to connect, to understand what happens between you, and to practice something different together.
That combination of science and compassion is what makes this method feel honest and hopeful to me.
**The Gottmans spent over 40 years observing couples in their “Love Lab” at the University of Washington. They found clear behavioral patterns that predicted which relationships would thrive and which would struggle. (They are often cited for being able to predict divorce with over 90% accuracy!)
From that research came the well-known “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – four negative communication habits that, left unchecked, can erode love over time:
Criticism – attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing behavior.
Contempt – sarcasm, eye-rolling, or subtle disrespect.
Defensiveness – making excuses or counterattacking instead of listening.
Stonewalling – shutting down or withdrawing when things get hard.
The good news is, there are antidotes to all of these. The Gottman Method helps couples practice healthy alternatives – gentle start-ups, appreciation, taking responsibility, and self-soothing when emotions run high.
This is another reason I love the Gottman approach: it gives couples something to do between sessions. It’s not just talking about problems; it’s learning new ways to relate.
What to Expect in Gottman Method Couples Therapy
When I meet with couples using the Gottman Method, we start with an assessment phase. This helps me understand where you are now and what you’re hoping to build. It usually includes:
A joint session to hear your story of how you met, stayed together and how you got to where you are today.
Individual sessions with each partner to learn your personal perspectives.
The Gottman Relationship Checkup – a detailed questionnaire that helps identify strengths and growth areas.
Feedback - You will get a PDF report on your relationship; like an x-ray this report shows us what’s strong and what needs added support.
After that, we go over what I found and create a roadmap together. You’ll have a sense of what’s working, what’s getting in the way, and what our focus will be in therapy.
Then, we start the work itself – guided conversations, communication exercises, and intentional practice. A few examples include:
Love Maps: This is a fun activity to refresh the factual information you have of the other person so you can put it in motion outside of sessions.
The Stress-Reducing Conversation: how to talk about outside stress without taking it out on each other.
Dreams Within Conflict: exploring the deeper values and needs underneath recurring arguments.
Aftermath of a Fight: learning how to repair and move forward instead of replaying old pain.
Marital Poop Detector: learning when you personally need to talk to your partner about issues in the relationship.
Compromise: helping partners get all of what they need in issues and some of what they want.
My role isn’t to pick sides – it’s to help you both slow down, understand each other more clearly, and begin rebuilding safety and connection.
Who the Gottman Method Can Help
The Gottman Method can support couples at many stages – dating, engaged, married, or even separated but trying to co-parent or reconnect.
It’s helpful if you:
Keep having the same argument without resolution.
Feel distant or stuck in routine.
Want to rebuild trust after a betrayal or hurt.
Are preparing for marriage and want a strong start.
Are going through a big transition (like a move, baby, or job change).
Sometimes couples come to therapy because things feel bad. Other times, they come because things feel flat. Either way, the Gottman Method helps you tune back in – to yourself, your partner, and your relationship as a living thing that needs care.
What Research Shows
Because the Gottman Method is research-based, it has data behind it. Studies show that couples who use Gottman techniques report less conflict, more friendship, and higher relationship satisfaction.
But beyond the numbers, what I’ve seen in my office is that it works because it’s doable. These tools aren’t complicated – they’re habits that become part of how you relate every day. And when those small changes start stacking up, couples often find that the big issues feel less overwhelming.
My Experience as a Therapist
When I first trained in the Gottman Method, I immediately appreciated its balance of empathy and structure. It gives me a way to help couples have real conversations – ones that heal, not just rehash.
I think of therapy as a space where both partners can slow down, tell the truth, and learn new skills in real time. The Gottman’s framework helps me guide that process with clarity and compassion.
Every couple has their own rhythm. My role is to help you find it again, using tools that make love feel possible – even when things have been hard for a while.
If You’re Thinking About Starting Couples Therapy
Reaching out for help takes courage. You don’t have to wait until things are falling apart to do this work. Couples therapy can be an act of care – an investment in how you relate, communicate, and show up for each other.
If you’re curious about whether the Gottman Method might be a good fit for you, I’d be glad to talk with you about what that could look like. Whether we meet weekly or through a more focused weekend intensive, the goal is the same: helping you feel safe, connected, and capable of navigating life together.
Schedule a free consultation here
Final Thoughts
The Gottman Method offers couples more than a set of tools – it offers hope. It reminds us that healthy love isn’t about never fighting or always agreeing; it’s about learning how to repair, listen, and grow together.
The truth is, relationships don’t have to stay stuck. With time, practice, and willingness, couples can rebuild connection and create a relationship that feels like home again.
Learn More About My Practice and the Gottman Approach Here
The content provided in this blog is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for personalized mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment, and does not create a therapist–client relationship between me and the reader.
I am a licensed therapist authorized to provide counseling services only in the states where I hold an active unrestricted license. Readers outside those states should understand that the insights shared here are general and not tailored to individual circumstances.
If you found this post helpful or want to explore these ideas further, I encourage you to reach out to a qualified local mental health provider for support and clarification specific to your situation. If you ever experience a crisis or thoughts of harm to yourself or others, seek emergency help right away by calling or texting 988.