When it comes to building a healthy relationship, it helps to understand what holds it up, as well as what can quietly weaken its “structure” over time. The Gottman Relationship Theory offers one of my favorite and arguably one of the clearest ways to visualize that: the Sound Relationship House.
Developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman after decades of observing couples, this model maps out the essential components of a lasting, fulfilling partnership. Each “level” of the house represents a different skill or area of focus. When these levels are strong and connected, the relationship feels safe, supportive, and resilient – even through conflict and change.
In my work with couples, I often use the Sound Relationship House as a reference point. It helps make something complex feel tangible: we can see where the foundation is solid, where cracks may have formed, and where we need to rebuild together.
In this blog post, we’ll be doing a “high level” exploration of the Sound Relationship House model, but The Gottman Institute has many resources available if you want to dive deeper!
Sound Relationship House © The Gottman Institute (gottman.com)
The Foundation: Building Love Maps
Here’s a piece of wisdom well worth hanging onto: the base of every strong relationship is curiosity – knowing your partner’s inner world.
This is what the Gottmans call Love Maps: the detailed mental map of factual information about your partner’s hopes, fears, values, and daily life routines.
When couples drift, it’s often because these maps have become outdated. We stop curious asking questions, or we assume we already know the answers. Rebuilding Love Maps means rediscovering each other with genuine interest – what’s changed, what matters now, and what still makes them light up. Long term relationships will immediately see positive changes when they work on their love maps together.
Level Two: Turning Toward Instead of Away
Small moments matter more than grand gestures.
“Turning toward” is the Gottman term for responding positively to your partner’s bids for connection – whether it’s a question, a sigh, or a glance across the room.
When partners consistently turn toward each other, trust deepens. When they turn away or against, cracks begin to form in the emotional floorboards. In therapy, I often help couples slow down enough to notice these micro-moments, because they’re often the earliest signs of either connection or disconnection.
The Gottman’s research has found that satisfying couples are accepting their partner’s bids for connection at about 86% of the time whereas dissatisfied relationships only respond to one another 33% of the time. Relationships where partners feel “unheard” and miss-understood need to work on this.
The Third Floor: Fondness and Admiration
When couples have been stuck in conflict for a while, this layer can quietly erode and cause even more struggles in the relationship. This can also be a sticky process for couples, because the more negative you feel towards your partner without addressing it or resolving the negativity, it will continue to grow.
Fondness and admiration are about remembering why you chose your partner, noticing what you appreciate, and expressing it. The skill here is not just catching your partner doing something cool, right or supportive, but to communicate to them that you saw it as well.
When couples feel unseen, I often encourage them to reintroduce appreciation into daily life – not as a performance, but as a habit of gratitude. The Gottmans found that couples who regularly express fondness are more likely to stay together and report higher satisfaction years down the road.
The Heart of the House: Positive Perspective
This is where mindset comes in.
When the lower levels are strong, couples naturally develop what Gottman calls a positive perspective – a lens that lets you give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
But when trust is shaky or appreciation has faded, even neutral moments can be misinterpreted as criticism or rejection. In therapy, part of our work is rebuilding enough safety and connection that this positive lens can return. It’s not about blind optimism – it’s about remembering that you’re on the same team.
To be clear, this is not simply avoiding the negative stuff in the relationship but it’s also about acknowledging everything your partner is going through and not just what they didn’t do, or how they messed up. This becomes possible when couples proactively manage their conflicts and take out the relationship’s trash regularly.
Managing Conflict
I don’t think this will come as a surprise: but, no relationship is conflict-free, nor is that the ultimate goal!
What really matters is how you repair and resolve. The Gottmans identified that 69% of relationship problems are never solved. These conflicts have to do with core values, expectations, dreams and aspirations that people have for their life individually and lives together. Thus, if conflicts are not solved, then they need to be contained, managed and held in context.
That means learning to soften startup, listen to understand (not to defend), and repair when things go off track. Conflict can actually deepen intimacy when handled skillfully – because it invites honesty, empathy, and growth from the inside out.
In therapy I give you tools and questions to ask one another to get to the heart of the matter and unlock the differences that cause the most painful divides.
Making Life Dreams Come True
This level moves beyond the day-to-day into meaning and purpose.
When couples understand and support each other’s life dreams – whether that’s raising children, building a business, or pursuing creativity – they experience a shared sense of direction.
In therapy, this often shows up as helping partners articulate those dreams, especially the unspoken ones. Sometimes what looks like an argument about chores or money is actually a deeper longing to feel supported or seen.
The Roof: Creating Shared Meaning
At the top of the house is shared meaning – the rituals, goals, and symbols that make your relationship uniquely yours.
It’s what makes a house a home.
Shared meaning might look like family traditions, inside jokes, morning routines, or shared values that guide your life together. It’s what helps couples stay connected through transitions and reminds them of what they’re building together.
The Walls: Trust and Commitment
Holding up the entire structure are two essential walls: trust and commitment.
Trust means “I know you’re there for me.”
Commitment means “We’re in this together, for the long haul.”
Every level of the Sound Relationship House – Love Maps, Fondness, Conflict Management, Shared Meaning – depends on the strength of these walls. When couples work on the floors below, they’re really reinforcing these two supports. Without them, the rest of the house can start to feel unstable, even when both partners deeply care about each other.
Bringing It All Together
Rather than a checklist, the Sound Relationship House offers a way to see where your relationship is strong and where it could use more support.
When I work with couples, we move between these levels depending on what’s most relevant: sometimes we’re rebuilding the foundation, other times we’re patching a leak in the roof or fixing wobbly stairs. What matters most is understanding how each level connects to the next.
The Gottmans’ research reminds us that successful relationships aren’t about perfection – they’re about patterns. Small moments of curiosity, kindness, and repair, repeated over time, build something solid and enduring.
If you’re ready to explore how this framework might help you and your partner, therapy can be a powerful place to start.
I offer a free 20-minute consultation for new couples who want to learn more about the Gottman Method and how it can support their relationship. It’s a chance to ask questions, get a feel for my approach, and see whether working together feels like a good fit.
Schedule your free consultation here
The content provided in this blog is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for personalized mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment, and does not create a therapist–client relationship between me and the reader.
I am a licensed therapist authorized to provide counseling services only in the states where I hold an active unrestricted license. Readers outside those states should understand that the insights shared here are general and not tailored to individual circumstances.
If you found this post helpful or want to explore these ideas further, I encourage you to reach out to a qualified local mental health provider for support and clarification specific to your situation. If you ever experience a crisis or thoughts of harm to yourself or others, seek emergency help right away by calling or texting 988.