Words are important. They are used to communicate love and affection as well as destruction and hurt.
In conflict, it can be hard to resist hurtful insults when we are functioning out of hurt ourselves.
Couples around the world are experiencing new levels of stress due to being in lockdown, shutdown, and their moods being generally down (depressed). Couples are reporting higher levels of conflict and it is, unfortunately, leading more to separate every day.
Two phrases that make a conflict worse are: "you always ____" and "you never ____".
These phrases are examples of Criticism and in the worst-case scenarios, Contempt. The Gottman’s relationship research has found that these behaviors or attitudes within a relationship can quickly lead a couple to seek separation or divorce.
You Always/Never as Criticism:
Criticism focuses on the flaws of your partner and you come in hot to the conversation. An example of you always/never as criticism could look like “how many times do I have to tell you I don’t like socks on the ground… they are always there”. Criticism focuses on the present reality and how your partner (or the other person) is doing something that hurts you.
You Always/Never as Contempt:
Contempt focuses on your partner as morally flawed, inept, and damaged. This is incredibly vile and the most damaging to intimacy, communication, and functional relationships. An example of contempt with the always/never language could be like: "you never pick up your socks off the ground… I don't even know if you know how to pick them up". Contempt can also look like: "I can see why your mother always complained about your messiness, you haven't changed at all because your socks are always on the ground".
What to do instead:
Instead, try focusing on yourself, and not your partner. As you work on describing your own needs and using kind language during a conflicted incident, you will see conflict managed and ultimately resolve. In the example of socks on the ground, it could look like this instead of criticism and/or contempt: “Hey, I see your socks are on the ground and I know you just got home from work, but can you make sure you put them away this time?”.
Easier said than done. But with focus on your inner experience and not putting it on other people with you always/never language, you can get what you want (socks off the ground) and connection in the process.
Too Long/Didn’t Read: Criticism (bad) and Contempt (worse) are signs that your conflict is escalating and signs that your relationship is in distress. Try regulating your emotions and needs to get connection and resolution together.
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