Can I Divorce-Proof My Marriage (Or Intimate Relationship)?

No. There is not a way that you can "Divorce-Proof" your marriage. Divorce proofing a marriage is not realistic, but you can build in resiliency that makes your marriage less susceptible to ending in divorce. Looking to build resiliency into your marriage will likely yield what you are looking for- avoiding divorce and maintaining the depth of commitment you and your partner committed to.

  • How is resiliency developed? Trust and intimacy (relational, sexual, psychological);

  • How is insecurity developed? Hostility (relational, sexual, psychological).

  • Why is divorce considered? A lack of trust and a presence of some sort of hostility. 

Of course, there are endless reasons why people get divorced (or end committed relationships), but the presence of hostility will expedite the trajectory of divorce. Taking the opportunity to invest in your most important relationships will make them more important. When relationships become crucial to your daily living, you will protect them more intently in intense or threatening situations.

Think of your iPhone (or another treasured electronic device). As I type this, my iPhone is in front of me, away from the edge of the counter that I am sitting at. I also have insurance on the device if an act of God destroys it so that I can get another iPhone. Before I left my home today, I checked to make sure that my iPhone was charged and ready to go for another day of use. I am so invested in using my iPhone that I would say that I am dependent on it to get around San Diego and run a counseling practice. I go to great ends to make sure that I can continue to use my iPhone.

 If we treasured our intimate relationships like we do our devices by being attuned to the other person’s needs, meeting those needs (and having our needs met), interdependence will grow. Just like we are dependent on our devices and the dependence changes how we act, live and think. So our dependence on our intimate relationships shapes how we engage with one another. As the storms of life will attack and stress the weaker points of a marriage (or committed relationship). But being ready to mend and relieve the relationship *because it is valuable and treasured*, the relationship itself will become more and more resilient. More simply: relational resilience has to do with intimacy and value. When a relationship is values like our iPhones are, we will change how we make plans, communicate and share ourselves with the other.

 For specific ideas on ways to build resiliency in your relationships, consider asking open-ended questions and listening to your partner. Use your knowledge of your partner for their benefit, not ammo in your next conflict. Resiliency will come over time as you (and your partner) protect and meet one another needs. Maybe this is why the Bible tells Christians to be attuned to one another's needs and to think of others as more important than yourself (Ephesians 5:25; Philippians 2:4).

©Grayson Wallen 2021. All Rights Reserved. Terms & Conditions Apply.

Disclaimer: Grayson’s credentials are noted in the footer below. This blog post is not intended to replace therapy or counseling services. While this post may represent psychoeducational content that brings clarity or helps you personally, Grayson encourages you to process your findings and concerns with your mental health counselor and/or other trusted people in your life. If you have questions, comments, or concerns about the content of this post, or want to start counseling please contact Grayson directly.

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