According to Dr. John Gottman, relationship researcher, there are three phases to healing from infidelity: Attone, Attune and Attach.
Individual relationships will indict different needs for each stage, but healing from an affair or themes of infidelity comes from repairing the relationship, reconnecting with your partner and then working on trust.
Repairing a relationship that has recently experienced an affair or any form of infidelity will take a toll on the relationship. Repairing the relationship is not making the offending partner pay for their wrongs, but it is allowing them to learn about the ways that they have wronged the relationship and offer their genuine response to heal the relationship. This phase does not look like the offending partner purchasing new cars or homes, doing the dishes for a year or sleeping on the couch. Repairing a relationship starts with “I am sorry that I ____” and “I can start to see some of the ways that I hurt you (and our family) by my action(s)”.
Attunement is the synchronizing of the couple. Couples who have solid attunement will have an idea of what their partner is experiencing and why. Other forms of attunement post infidelity will come in the form of the offending partner acknowledging when the offended partner is hurt, happy or grieving. Being attuned to your partner will look like you know what facial expressions, tone of voice, body language and personal needs mean to your partner. A question you can ask yourself is: do I have an idea of what my partner is thinking/feeling/needing right now?
Attachment is when you use the knowledge of your partner to make them feel safe. For someone who has had an affair, this step is difficult. Feeling like the offending partner is a safe (physically, emotionally, sexually) person takes time and exposure. Post affair couples often have difficulty trusting the other partner. Repeated exercises on attunement (knowing the other's need) and attachment (meeting the need) will fortify relationships.
The bottom line is that recovering from affairs take time, and recovery is hardly linear. One season of your relationship may be devoted to repair or attachment, whereas another may be focused on attunement. Being in a committed, safe relationship post infidelity will take practice and time with repairing the relationship, getting in synch with one another and consistently meeting one another needs.
On a related note: the Gottman’s have found that couples who accept their partner’s repair attempts will have a higher level of relationship satisfaction (Gottman, 2014). The point being: accepting your partner’s attempts at repair can equally determine the relationship’s trajectory for satisfaction as the actual repair attempt being made. Turns out that healing comes from the actual repair being made and accepted.
Gottman, J. (2014). How to make relationships work. Retrieved from: https://vimeo.com/ondemand/mrw?autoplay=1
©Grayson Wallen 2021. All Rights Reserved. Terms & Conditions Apply.
Disclaimer: Grayson’s credentials are noted in the footer below. This blog post is not intended to replace therapy or counseling services. While this post may represent psychoeducational content that brings clarity or helps you personally, Grayson encourages you to process your findings and concerns with your mental health counselor and/or other trusted people in your life. If you have questions, comments, or concerns about the content of this post, or want to start counseling please contact Grayson directly.
About the links in this post: The links in this post may be affiliate links, which means that Grayson may receive a commission based on you using the link that Grayson gives you. As an Amazon Associate Grayson can earn from qualifying purchases and costs you nothing.
One Last Note: The content of this post is Grayson's work unless otherwise noted/cited. The content of this blog post is not representative of the opinions of Grayson’s past or present places of employment, partners, board members, employees, contractors, or Grayson's Supervisor(s).