You are the only one with your perspective. Your perspective is unique to you, that is why it is yours. But as all learn around the age of four, other people do not know what we know and we can project or manipulate what other people know about us, based on what we tell them.
To take it a step further: we lie to ourselves… and we believe it.
Our brains have the capacity to overwrite, rewrite and forget pieces of information that we don’t want to remember. The most intense example of this is with traumas we experience as humans. We have the power to forget (or try to) what happened to us and attempt to go on with life hoping that time will heal what happened to or around us. We also do this when we frequent the breakroom and there are treats there. (It is easy for me to forget how many handfuls of holiday popcorn that I ate instead of dinner last night at our counseling offices.) But the root of intentional forgetfulness is avoiding pain.
We don’t want to engage with the pain. The loss. The sorrow. The grief. The regret. So in light of this, we tell ourselves that "it is not that big of a deal" and "I need to just get over it". When in reality all this internal dialogue is just wrestling the memory into submission and not finding a genuine healing experience.
The tricky thing about memory is that it is malleable and just like we can forget or rearrange memories to make them easier to accept, that does not mean that they are true. Coming to terms with what happened is the first step to accepting yourself. Stop wrestling what you are ashamed of into submission.
In therapy, we talk a lot about “radical acceptance of self”. This just means that you are accepting what has happened, what you have done and what your experience is. Healing does not come from wrestling, but instead from acceptance. We are not saying that what happened is ok, good or acceptable. We are instead agreeing simply that it happened. From this place of acceptance, you can then make changes because it is real and concrete; there becomes a place to pivot from when we accept ourselves and those around us.
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Disclaimer: Grayson’s credentials are noted in the footer below. This blog post is not intended to replace therapy or counseling services. While this post may represent psychoeducational content that brings clarity or helps you personally, Grayson encourages you to process your findings and concerns with your mental health counselor and/or other trusted people in your life. If you have questions, comments, or concerns about the content of this post, or want to start counseling please contact Grayson directly.
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