Infidelity touches every layer of a relationship – trust, safety, identity, and meaning. For many couples, the discovery of an affair feels like an emotional earthquake: routines become unfamiliar, memories are questioned, and the future becomes uncertain. For couples seeking affair recovery, this period can feel especially destabilizing and overwhelming. While this experience is painful, it is not uncommon. In fact, betrayal is one of the leading reasons couples seek therapy, and many also ask a pressing question: can trust ever be rebuilt, and if so, how?
From the standpoint of the Gottman Method, which I use to facilitate work with couples, the answer is yes – healing after an affair is possible when both partners are willing to engage in a structured recovery process. Gottman’s evidence-based approach to affair recovery offers a roadmap that helps couples understand what happened, restore trust, and rebuild intimacy. This framework is foundational in my work helping couples heal after infidelity.
Understanding the Impact of Betrayal
Trust is not simply a belief that a partner is faithful; it is the confidence that one’s partner is emotionally reliable, tuned in, and committed to the relationship. When trust is ruptured through infidelity – either emotional, sexual, or digital – the betrayed partner often experiences symptoms similar to grief and trauma. Shock, denial, intrusive thoughts, avoidance, hypervigilance, and intense emotional swings are all common.
It is important to name that these responses are normal reactions to an abnormal event. They are not evidence of being “dramatic” or “unable to move on” – they reflect a nervous system attempting to make sense of an unexpected threat.
The Gottman Trust Revival Method
For couples who are interested in working with a therapist/using the Gottman Method to work towards healing after an affair, the Trust Revival Method provides a three-phase process:
Atone
Attune
Attach
These phases are sequential, and skipping ahead almost always backfires.
Phase 1: Atone
The Atone phase is focused on understanding the full impact of the betrayal and creating the conditions necessary for trust repair after an affair. The Gottman Method emphasizes that the partner who engaged in the affair must be:
non-defensive
responsible for their choices
willing to answer questions
open to offering reassurance
transparent in behaviors and communication
The betrayed partner, meanwhile, must have space to ask questions, express grief, and understand what happened. This stage often includes difficult conversations about the nature of the affair, boundaries that were crossed, how secrecy developed, and what made the betrayal possible.
This phase is not about punishment – it is about making meaning. Without meaning, forgiveness cannot take root, and without forgiveness, the relationship cannot progress toward rebuilding trust.
Phase 2: Attune
Once there is accountability and clarity, the work shifts toward constructing a new relational foundation. Many couples enter this phase and discover that prior to the affair, they were functioning with minimal emotional intimacy or limited conflict skills. The Attune phase strengthens:
emotional presence
responsiveness
communication skills
understanding of each partner’s inner world
Gottman defines attunement as the process of being able to hear and respond to emotions without dismissing, fixing, or escalating the conversation. Partners learn to ask open-ended questions, express feelings without criticism, and listen without becoming defensive. This is also where couples begin addressing unmet needs, lingering hurts, and patterns that contributed to loneliness or distance within the relationship.
The Attune phase builds toward one core outcome: feeling like a team again, rather than adversaries.
Phase 3: Attach
The Attach phase focuses on restoring intimacy – including emotional, physical, and sexual connection. After an affair, sexual intimacy can feel complicated for both partners. The betrayed partner may struggle with intrusive imagery, disgust, or fear, while the participating partner may feel shame or worry about causing harm.
The Gottman Method approaches this stage with curiosity rather than pressure. Couples are encouraged to speak openly about preferences, desire, and meaning – topics many relationships never addressed even before the affair. When handled with care, the Attach phase becomes a space not just for relational recovery, but for relational discovery.
Can Couples Heal After Infidelity?
Research suggests yes – but not by returning to how things were. The goal of affair recovery using the Gottman Method is not to restore the old relationship, but to build a stronger, more connected new one. Many couples who participate in Gottman Method Couples Therapy after an affair report:
deeper empathy
improved communication
more intentional intimacy
better conflict strategies
renewed teamwork
rebuilt trust
Therapy after cheating is not about erasing the past. It is about integrating it in a way that allows partners to move forward rather than remain frozen in an unfinished story.
When Healing Isn’t Linear
It’s worth noting that progress rarely unfolds neatly. Anniversaries, locations, songs, holidays, or even moments of unexpected tenderness can trigger grief or panic. The brain does not update instantly; it updates through repetition of safety over time. So always remember to hold grace in the process.
This is why a structured model matters – without it, couples often oscillate between shutting down and reopening wounds without resolution. The Gottman framework gives direction when the emotional landscape feels chaotic.
When to Seek Professional Support
There is no universal rule about whether couples should remain together after an affair. Some choose to repair, some separate, and some transform their relationship entirely. What matters is that the decision is made intentionally rather than reactively.
Working with a therapist trained in Gottman affair recovery can provide:
containment for overwhelming emotions
guided communication
support for meaning-making
clarity around repair vs. separation
tools for rebuilding trust
language for needs and boundaries
Infidelity ruptures the attachment system, but with support, many couples move from crisis to new possibility.
A Compassionate Path Forward
Infidelity is painful, disorienting, and often lonely – but it does not automatically mean the relationship is beyond repair. With accountability, emotional engagement, and structured trust-building, many couples are able to rebuild not only trust, but closeness and meaning.
Gottman’s research makes one thing clear: healing is possible when both partners are willing to engage in the work.
If you’re navigating this territory and would benefit from guided support, therapy can help you determine what repair would look like – and whether it is right for you.
If you’d like to explore this in a supportive space, I offer a free consultation where we can discuss your situation and answer any questions about next steps.
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The content provided in this blog is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for personalized mental health care, diagnosis, or treatment, and does not create a therapist–client relationship between me and the reader.
I am a licensed therapist authorized to provide counseling services only in the states where I hold an active unrestricted license. Readers outside those states should understand that the insights shared here are general and not tailored to individual circumstances.
If you found this post helpful or want to explore these ideas further, I encourage you to reach out to a qualified local mental health provider for support and clarification specific to your situation. If you ever experience a crisis or thoughts of harm to yourself or others, seek emergency help right away by calling or texting 988.