As a therapist, I help people every day who are struggling with codependency — a learned behavior that often begins in dysfunctional families and continues into adulthood. If you’ve found yourself prioritizing a family member or dependent person’s needs over your own, feeling responsible for their emotions, or losing your sense of identity in maintained relationships, you’re not alone.
In this post, I’ll explain the characteristics of codependence, share the diagnostic criteria professionals use, and offer practical steps to help you break free from these patterns. Most importantly, I’ll show you how therapy can help you build healthier boundaries, restore your self-worth, and create more balanced, fulfilling connections.
Understanding Codependency
Codependency is more than just caring too much — It’s a pattern where you consistently prioritize someone else’s needs, often at the expense of your own. This learned behavior can stem from early experiences in dysfunctional families, where approval, love, or stability felt conditional. In many cases, this involves a family member or dependent person who relies heavily on you for emotional or physical support.
Over time, your self-worth becomes tied to caretaking, control, or avoiding conflict. While these patterns may feel normal — especially if you grew up surrounded by them — they can silently drain your energy and prevent you from building balanced, healthy, maintained relationships.
Common Codependent Beliefs
When I work with clients struggling with codependency, I often hear beliefs like:
I am responsible for solving my family member’s or partner’s problems.
I must fix others’ emotions or behaviors to feel secure in the relationship.
I can control outcomes in relationships by sacrificing my own needs.
These beliefs might have helped you survive in the past, but today they can trap you in exhausting, one-sided relationships.
Key Characteristics and Symptoms of Codependence
Drawing from Pia Mellody’s Facing Codependence (1989), the characteristics of codependence often include:
Low self-esteem: Difficulty valuing yourself without others’ approval.
Weak boundaries: Trouble saying no or protecting your limits, even with a family member or dependent person.
Repressed emotions: Minimizing or ignoring your feelings to avoid conflict.
Neglected needs: Putting others’ wants ahead of your own self-care.
Extremes in behavior: Over-reacting or under-reacting due to a distorted self-image.
Recognizing these signs can help you see where you may meet the diagnostic criteria therapists use to assess relationship health.
How Codependency Affects Maintained Relationships
In a codependent relationship, one person — often the dependent person — becomes the main focus, while the other loses their sense of self. This can lead to:
Inequality: The relationship feels one-sided and emotionally draining.
Resentment: Your unmet needs quietly build over time.
Dishonesty: Both people hide their true feelings to “keep the peace.”
When this dynamic involves a family member, it can feel nearly impossible to set boundaries without guilt or fear of rejection. In therapy, I help clients navigate these challenges while protecting the relationships they value.
The Illusion of Control
Many people with codependent tendencies believe they can manage or control another person’s emotions, choices, or actions. This belief often develops in dysfunctional families, where unpredictability or instability made it feel necessary to keep others happy to stay safe.
While this might have worked as a child, it becomes a harmful learned behavior in adulthood, preventing you from having truly mutual relationships.
Recovery: Reclaiming Your Identity
Breaking free from codependency takes time and intentional action:
Self-reflection: Identifying unhealthy patterns using diagnostic criteria or guided exercises in therapy.
Boundary-setting: Learning to say no without guilt, even when a family member or dependent person pushes back.
Self-compassion: Understanding that your needs are valid and prioritizing them is healthy, not selfish.
In therapy, I’ll give you the tools, strategies, and support you need to break this cycle and create healthier, more balanced maintained relationships.
The Journey Ahead
Recovery from codependency is rarely a straight line. You may notice old habits resurfacing, but these moments can be powerful opportunities for growth.
When we work together, we’ll focus on:
Mindfulness: Recognizing your triggers and choosing new responses.
Support: Building a network that reinforces healthy boundaries.
Patience: Accepting that lasting change is gradual, but worth the effort.
If you’re ready to stop feeling stuck in one-sided relationships and start building mutual, fulfilling connections, I invite you to book a free consultation with me.
TL;DR
Codependency is a set of maladaptive, learned behaviors where you:
Blame yourself for others’ problems.
Try to “fix” people or situations.
Struggle with control, boundaries, and self-worth.
By understanding the characteristics of codependence, identifying where you meet diagnostic criteria, and addressing unhealthy dynamics with a family member or dependent person, you can start to heal. I’d be honored to help guide you toward a healthier, more empowered version of yourself.
©Grayson Wallen 2021. All Rights Reserved. Terms & Conditions Apply.
Disclaimer: Grayson’s credentials are noted in the footer below. This blog post is not intended to replace therapy or counseling services. While this post may represent psychoeducational content that brings clarity or helps you personally, Grayson encourages you to process your findings and concerns with your mental health counselor and/or other trusted people in your life. If you have questions, comments, or concerns about the content of this post, or want to start counseling please contact Grayson directly.
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