Looking back to the past can be tough. Hoping to just forget the past is the best way to relive it. Looking to the past honestly and openly can facilitate a lot of insight and growth and to do so without shame and guilt is tricky. After all, the past holds memories and experiences that are maybe painful or difficult to manage. Being honest or sober with yourself is difficult without respect.
What happened in the past happened. You cannot change it (nor can I as a therapist), so guilting yourself to "be better" or to "not do____" is not what you need to hear from yourself.
Looking to the past and seeing that you had both successes and failures is the most beneficial way of combating shame in the present tense. Shame can look like having remorse, beating yourself up (emotionally or physically), withdrawing from relationships and/or good things in your life as a form of punishment. Functioning in shame can be second nature if left unchecked and will perpetuate the likelihood of your undesired behavior to continue.
Looking at the past with honesty and respect comes from a radical acceptance of yourself. Maybe you didn't lose 10 pounds as you had goaled, maybe you are finding yourself isolating instead of being social, maybe your depression has taken your life away in ways that are hard to accept. But not accepting the past does not make it any less real. The past happened, there is some space between then and now so accepting it is a healthy step to take today. By accepting the past, you are not saying that failure is ok, but simply that you had (past tense) failed; the temptation is to drop the hammer on ourselves when we do not meet our expectations- this is not respectful so resist the urge! Radically giving yourself acceptance is crucial to remember the past without shame. Remembering accurate details of the past, without beating yourself up is acting with honesty and self-respect.
Honesty with yourself and respect for yourself are the keys to reflecting on the past without activating a shame storm. Here are a few questions to consider to reflect on your past year that will promote honesty and respect.
What am I most proud of last year? (list out)
What goals did I meet from last year or what changes did I make? (answer the one that makes more sense)
What/who am I avoiding? Why?
Why didn’t I meet my goals last year? What was going on for me?
What am I excited about this year? (if you are not excited about this year’s opportunities, why not?)
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