The good news about conflict management is that you can solve some problems. The reality is that not every conflict that your relationship sees is solvable. This means that you will see the conflict over and over and over again. The chances of you agreeing with your partner when you have had conflict over the same issue without resolve or change are slim.
To remind you, the good news is that you can solve some of your problems within your relationships. These problems are largely situational and have factors related to the situation causing the problem (e.g. Time, resources, places, and spaces) as opposed to personal and emotional values that we all hold. For solvable problems: the goal is to compromise. This happens almost intuitively for most people, but focusing on what to do next in light of the problem can ease the tension that the problem has created.
Perpetual problems are the problems that are rooted in values, belief systems, emotions, and personal experiences that are related to the problem at hand. This is generally where most couples will try to persuade their partner to do something, or see the way to the light, away from the dark side.
Seeking to convert your partner will probably come with some resistance because your partner at this point in the conflict is probably trying to convert you as well. Then comes bigger emotions and the tug of war within the relationship starts.
Couples who try to persuade their partner of their own personal view of the problem generally push each other away rather than pulling the other to see things differently. As this happens, couples become more entrenched in their views on the problem and in worst cases start to attack their partner instead of connecting with them (which is arguably what each person wants down deep inside).
At this point in the conflict, that is when couples either walk away from the conflict in resentful defeat that their partner will not relent, or will double down in the conflict to prove who is more right by being the most committed to the conflict. But this is a dangerous spot for couples because the fight could last long after the couple has resumed talking to one another and going on dates again.
A conflict that is buried and festering inside of each person can eventually become a no-fly zone within the relationship where one or both partners get instantly overwhelmed, hurt, and attacked when the specific conflict is brought up. Now I want to remind you that the conflict will come up again… it is perpetual. So even though the relationship will formally or informally abandon the hope of connection in the midst of the conflict, the conflict will re-emerge and each time it is avoided or minimized because of hurt and pain caused by the other partner, the problem can become gridlocked.
Gridlocked problems are perpetual problems that the relationship has decided to avoid. Avoidance is generally the tactic because we agree to disagree or feel so lost and overwhelmed, that there is no hope for the relationship to ever get past these problems. Remember that perpetual problems are rooted in values, belief systems, emotions, and personal experiences that are related to the problem at hand. These values, belief systems, emotions, and personal experiences are the key(s) to unlocking your relationships with sore, broken, and tender problems.
According to The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman says “to navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand that no matter how seemingly insignificant the issue, gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t’ aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect” (p.238).
Talking about what goes on behind the scenes of the problem for you is the key to unlocking the problem. Same for your partner as well- the mutual sharing of hopes and dreams and stories as to why is the actual substance that brings couples together. The best-case scenario is when couples listen with compassion, interest, and love, each partner can be more deeply known and cared for in the midst of the problem.
So, the good news is that your experience of feeling like you are having the same conflict with your partner over and over and over again is founded in the research. It is not all bad that you see repeat problems in your relationship, though it could feel like you are not making momentum or change in your conflict since you are still arguing about the same things. While the majority of the conflict couples experience is going to be perpetual, but the conversation around perpetual problems can be difficult to have over and over again. Shaking up the ways conversations are had can bring new understanding, insights, and connection within your relationship and ultimately help you see less conflict where you are convincing the other about your value and emotions and more conflict where you are closer to your partner sooner so that you can tackle the problem together.
Too Long/Didn’t Read: It's ok to fight; most problems will be on repeat until dreams and experiences are mutually validated and fostered within the relationship. Productive conflict is not about the problem as much as it is about the other person you are fighting with.
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