I really enjoy the movie Hitch (2005), because it is funny. Not because the movie is helpful for my marriage or relationships, but because it animates the struggle of opening up to someone and the fear that keeps us away from true intimacy.

For those who are not familiar with the plot of Hitch, Will Smith plays a relationship expert named Hitch, that locals hire for relationship coaching. Hitch has wild success at helping people find partners based off of changing their personality, appearance and introducing simple dance moves. Then enters Albert, played by Kevin James, who is clumsy, geeky and just unattractive in his natural state. Hitch helps Albert comedically throughout the movie, but ultimately Hitch’s advice falls flat on its face when we try to foster rich and connected relationships in real life. While at the end of the movie, Hitch has his own relationship problems that come from superficial change, the bulk of the movie’s message is focused: Change who you are in order to be liked and even loved.

Notably, Hitch’s first sage advice to Albert is to do something to impress the person he likes, because what Albert was doing and who he is at the most basic level is not enough. While the tone of Albert’s transformation is light hearted, the message is that Albert needs to change himself in order to be liked and loved. Many of us believe that this is the case in our lives: if I act a certain way, drink a certain drink, attend a certain… wear a certain… read a certain… the list goes on and on. The message that Albert internalized is portrayed to be his success, because in the movie he lands a marriage with the woman of Albert’s dreams.

Lie: Change who you are in order to be liked and even loved.

Truth: I can be loved as I am because who I am is enough.

If someone was acting a certain way in order to make you like them more, would you appreciate that when the honeymoon part of the relationship was over? Do you enjoy changing yourself over and over to be liked?

Maybe it is time to give the world the real you. We are all waiting to love you; you dont have to change yourself to be loved.

For reference, there is a song from The Greatest Showman (2018) that really combats the tension between being loved for who you are and not just what you are. Take a look here.

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