I can remember overhearing a conversation in a coffee shop between two friends, after an apparent DTR (define the relationship) conversation that did not go well. The person who was in the relationship, concluded that the problems that the relationship was experiencing was because the couple were ”incompatible” with one another.

Relationship researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman have researched relationships for almost the past 40 years (to date). The Gottman’s (and their research team) have measured stress levels in couple’s saliva, heart rates in the heat of a conflict and coded couple’s behaviors in videotaped research studies. Through all of their data collection, which is still happening today, they have concluded that there are several relationship myths that simply are not true.

Here are my 4 favorite relationship myths that couples have a hard time disbelieving (7 Principles, Gottman, 2015, p.16-19):

1. Conflict is bad for our relationship

   • An alternate, more realistic belief to this myth is: When I am having a conflict with my significant other, it means that something is wrong in the relationship NOT that I am wrong in the relationship.

2. Happy marriages are rooted in common interests

   • Again, alternatively: Happy marriages can have common interests, it is more important for the partners in the relationship be commonly interested in one another.

3. Men are not made for marriage

   • Wrong: Research shows that individual mental, physical, sexual and financial health increases when you are married.

4. I must be compatible with my partner in order to have a great relationship // We just don’t have chemistry.

   • Having compatibility or chemistry is rooted in connection. If you are not having connection, you are probably not feeling great about the relationship. Have some a conflict and connect with your partner (and experience chemistry… AKA connection).

So, why do we believe that compatibility is so important or that conflict is bad for the relationship? Likely because the myth affirms a reality within the relationship. These myths represent realities for intimate relationships and friendships alike. Specifically, with the conflict myth, couples actually experienced greater intimacy and connection because of their conflict not in spite of their conflict. Perhaps this is why the reunion after a fight is a powerful connection for many couples.

What relationship myth did you believe, or have a hard time disbelieving? Have you thought about why the myth you are having a hard time disbelieving is so hard?

Often times, it is easier to just believe myths when your relationship experiences the myth in day to day experiences. The myth does not have to rule your relationship…

Grayson offers couples and relationship counseling that utilizes The Gottman’s Research. Your relationship can get better and you can love your partner more than you do today.

Intimacy awaits.

©Grayson Wallen 2021. All Rights Reserved. Terms & Conditions Apply.

Disclaimer: Grayson’s credentials are noted in the footer below. This blog post is not intended to replace therapy or counseling services. While this post may represent psychoeducational content that brings clarity or helps you personally, Grayson encourages you to process your findings and concerns with your mental health counselor and/or other trusted people in your life. If you have questions, comments, or concerns about the content of this post, or want to start counseling please contact Grayson directly.

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