If you go to People Magazine’s website and search for “intimacy”, you will find hundreds of pages about how celebrities are apologizing for sleeping with other celebrities’ current partner, or how baby weight is lost or tell all’s about bedroom romances. You can also find similar ads to those in the checkout line at the grocery store with the hint that there are over 101 new ways this month to have sex, increase connectedness and/or please you/your partner. This is not the case, though we believe it to be. Month after month, couples exhaust the 101 lists or spin their wheels to try to achieve the feelings they once had or wish that they once had. Stop spinning wheels: relational intimacy breeds the intimacy you are longing for.

We wish that intimacy can be controlled by our own actions and we think that if we act a certain way (thanks, Hitch!), or do certain things that we will get all that we want in our relationship. What you are looking for is connectedness: not a one-time erotic experience but a lifetime of relational intimacy that is fostered and protected. A hint at increasing relational intimacy is that it has nothing to do with chiseling out your washboard abs or losing 15 pounds of baby weight.

Connecting with your partner moment by moment is the best way to increase relational intimacy. What we know from Brenè Brown’s research is that we are created to be known. The Gottman’s have also affirmed this reality with concluding that “it is no wonder that the Bible uses the word ‘known’ when referencing intimacy” (7 Principles, Gottman, 2015). Being intimate with your partner starts with knowing them. The process of sharing basic pieces of yourself, trusting them with more and more over time with increase your intimacy faster than 101 new sex moves to try for the next 8 weeks without any yield.

What does this mean practically? Engage in conversations that increase your knowledge of your partner. Pop quiz: can you name their favorite candy bar? Can you name their least favorite family relative? Who is their best friend at work/school/church?

Engage in conversations that increase your knowledge about your partner

Then, after you know this information, start to use it. Talk to them each night about how their boss micro-manages them at work, how they are looking forward to an upcoming vacation or project. For starters this daily conversation should take about 10–15 minutes per partner, per day, where non-judgmental and supporting listening is provided by each person to increase intimacy and connectedness in the relationship.

Imagine if someone knew you and supported you: would you trust them? Would you feel loved by them? Likely yes. Now imagine if someone read a magazine about maneuvers that would make you like them more. Would you feel loved? Would you want to continue to engage with them about personal problems when all they want is for you to like them more? Likely no.

©Grayson Wallen 2021. All Rights Reserved. Terms & Conditions Apply.

Disclaimer: Grayson’s credentials are noted in the footer below. This blog post is not intended to replace therapy or counseling services. While this post may represent psychoeducational content that brings clarity or helps you personally, Grayson encourages you to process your findings and concerns with your mental health counselor and/or other trusted people in your life. If you have questions, comments, or concerns about the content of this post, or want to start counseling please contact Grayson directly.

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