Right now there is a lot of talk about love, romanticism, and sex. The culture around us is sex-crazed and many of the shows, music, and podcasts we regularly consume make references to sex and the role sex has in relationships (including that casual sex is healthy and that your sexuality is regular within many contexts). Even in the grocery store, the sexual images that cover magazines like People, GQ and OK all portray that they now know how to heighten your sexual experience. But this is all a half-truth as arousal is half of what makes sex… sex.

The other, more unpopular, less erotic part to sexual relationships is communication (beginning with consent to feedback to emotional connection). It is not surprising to me that we (as a culture) think that we can maneuver different positions and the new-ness is what makes sex good or passionate or _____. Good sex comes from being in healthy communication loops, being completely loved and approved of.

Let's look at another relational and sexual experience: make-up sex. Make-up sex is infamously referenced as good but it is good not because the conflict taught you a new maneuver to try with your partner… the conflict divided you from your partner and the sex is rejoining you to them. The emotional language is that not even your wrong(s), the other's wrong(s), the fight or the words can separate you from being loved and accepted. THIS is what makes good sex good sex.

To have more good sex, the answer is not trying things that are new in the context of the relationship but being known, loved and accepted in the relationship.

The knowledge of your partner is experienced with the love and approval that they give you in your sexual experience. The conceptual love that you have for your partner by knowing them, becomes tangible in experiential connection with your partner.

Thinking that you or your partner needs more arousal to heighten sexual experiences is a fallacy that will keep you searching, trying and buying (resources, toys, and manuals). What you are looking for is connection and a fundamental acceptance by another, then the sexual intimacy that you experience will become more meaningful and "better" as knowledge and love persist together.

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Disclaimer: Grayson’s credentials are noted in the footer below. This blog post is not intended to replace therapy or counseling services. While this post may represent psychoeducational content that brings clarity or helps you personally, Grayson encourages you to process your findings and concerns with your mental health counselor and/or other trusted people in your life. If you have questions, comments, or concerns about the content of this post, or want to start counseling please contact Grayson directly.

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